I had to go deeper. These past 2 years since the summer of 2011 I had to do a lot of extracting, debugging, and removing files from my over-driven memory, because I was totally trashed with everything and everyone’s MESS. My operation and how I was operating was poor , scattered and having no sense of clear direction whatsoever regarding the way I was journeying and most importantly MYSELF. I was powering down whether I liked it or now. I was coming to my end… literally… the end of myself. The fuel was gone and my hope was fizzling out. Oh…and the road I was traveling on was disappearing right before my eyes. THEE …END. I had nothing left. I gave it my ALL and I had gone the route that seemed to be best for me and what did I receive? Nothing but Confusion. Heartbreak. Strife. Drama. Stress. Deception. LIES. “ Did I really come to my end?” “No… really… Wait! Is this all there is concerning my life?!” These were all the questions that echoed aloud in my mind. It was the summer of 2011 in the month of July, I was sitting at the river walk on a bench facing the river while simultaneously talking to myself and to God. I remember being very still and very quiet as I gazed out over the river…silent. I remember thinking to myself “What now? Yet in still I remained silent. I didn’t want to move …I didn’t want to be too consumed in my thoughts so much that I would drown out His Voice. I needed to hear Him so I sat… veryyyy still. And like that… It was pressed on my heart to write. So I pulled out my notebook, turned to a clean page, and I wrote:
“The world goes round, round, and round again. Everyone is moving and Everyone is searching. But I am trying to stay still to hear my Maker’s Voice. I too am searching in quiet desperation. I am in need of something, but don’t know what. I thought I would never end up ‘here’ wherever ‘here’ is but I am ‘here’…searching and listening. While the world is still going round…While the people are constantly moving and searching… and yet… I remain still…I don’t want to miss Him.” 6/13/2011
“ So What now God…what now? Where do I go from here now?” I whispered quietly in my thoughts.
Then, I had a vision. I saw Jesus standing on the water with his arms opened gesturing for me to come near, as if he wanted me to walk on water. No, that’s what I literally saw and that’s what he LITERALLY wanted me to do! Peace overwhelmed me and I then knew. I knew God wanted to take me in another direction, on unfamiliar territory, never traveled before. I had to go deeper. However, it was left to me to either choose to be complacent and to try and figure out my life with my finite reasoning or leave all that I had ever known concerning my life and FOLLOW HIM. I wrestled with the thought of it and I’m not even going to hold you up…It scared the CRAP out of me. My whole entire life I was in control, well I thought I did. And to now start over and not have a blueprint or even a CLUE of what my life was now going to be or look like…the thought of it alone had TERRIFIED me.
But what drove me was that I had nothing to lose. I was spent. I counted my cost and I knew in my heart of hearts I wanted to live a meaningful fulfilled life. Now I may not have known what It would have look like then, but I knew enough in my heart that God did. So I chose the latter. I Chose to go deeper…
“As the deer pants for the water brooks,
So my soul for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God
…Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls… (Psalms 42:1-2,7 NKJV).”